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Football 'Pitches'

   Back in early Spring 2015 I inadvertently stumbled across a Twitter account, the likes of which I'd never seen before and have seldom seen since. The account in question, @Sportproducertv, was a concoction of my 3 favourite things in the world; football, puns and an combination of football and puns.

   I felt an instant attraction to the inventive TV show titles and equally whacky premises being served up. The fact it focused on football players, past or present, just added to the arousal of the inner geek in me.

   BABBSTATION, submitted by @tompugh90, was a personal favourite of mine, a show in which 'ex-Liverpool defender Phil Babb answers your calls and gyrates for your pleasure'.

   With the bar set high and my juices flowing, I whiled away a lazy Sunday afternoon dreaming up a 6-a-side teams worth of submissions. The fruits of my labour were thus:

  • MILLS ON WHEELS: Danny Mills traces the history of the Ferris wheel, from its humble beginnings in 19th century Chicago
  • THE 3 MUSCAT EARS: Kevin Muscat agrees to grow an additional ear to aid scientific research. With fatal consequences
  • SANTA'S LITTLE TELFER: Children at University Hospital Coventry are treated on Christmas Eve to a visit from Paul Telfer
  • LAST OF THE SAMMER WINE: Euro 96 star Matthias Sammer returns to British soil for a wine tasting jaunt around Yorkshire
  • KEWELL RUNNINGS: A short Comic Relief special on dysentery in South Sudan, hosted by Harry Kewell
  • FASH IN THE PAN?: Justin Fashanu interviews up and coming celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott. Originally broadcast 1995

    Feeling ready to take on the world with my collection of pun based titans, I realised I'd overlooked two rather important factors. I didn't have a goalkeeper, and whilst I think we can all agree that 6-a-side is the modern way, there's something more romantic about the 11-a-side game that resonates still.

   Fast forward 24 months, and after finally deciding to complete my team, my team was indeed finally completed:

  • SOUTHALL ON SEA: Neville Southall takes us aboard his trawler, HMS Howard Kendall, in a series of island hops around the UK
  • HENDRY'S HOOVER: Colin Hendry talks candidly about his hero J. Edgar Hoover, in an emotional Christmas special for BBC4
  • A FISH CALLED HONDA: Forward Keisuka Honda serves a poisonous fugu fish to Homer Simpson, in this classic episode from 1991
  • FOR WHOM THE BELL SCHOLES: Paul Scholes goes undercover as a bell-ringer in a Salford church, to expose a paedophile ring
  • SCOTT MCDONALD HAD A FARM: We revisit Scott, 8 years on from the Black Saturday bushfire that destroyed his livelihood

   But why stop at 11? Every team needs a manager after all, and since his departure from my beloved Nottingham Forest, I knew just the guy for the job:

   DOUGIE DOES DALLAS: In a one-man retelling of the US soap opera, Dougie Freedman shows his versatility and acting prowess.

   My team is complete. We don't have a name. We don't even need one. But what we do need is an opposition.

   And so, I set this challenge to you dear readers. Submit your team and we'll settle on a time and place to do battle.

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Location: London, UK

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