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Christmas Time...

...Mistletoe and Wine,
Who's watching Michael Heseltine?
With his dog on the fire, cos it shat on the tree, 
Time to get Anne to make him some tea.

No idea what Cliff meant by any of that, but it does make me feel festive. Truth be told, I actually love this time of year. Without breaking into song again, it's time to both reflect and look to the future. If 2014 has taught me one thing, it has to be the hours you can save opening a pizza correctly:


For me, pre-2014 pizza delivery always involved scissors, which in turn always involved finding scissors and not running whilst holding them. Little did I know about the other technique, akin to opening a packet of pre-washed baby leaf spinach, until my parents sat me down and pointed out my shortcomings.

Whilst this alone provides me with the essentials to make it in the big wide world, there's no point getting ahead of myself. Priorities for 2015 include overcoming my fear of the bell not sounding when I press the button to get of the bus, as well as breaking my hoodoo of buying terrible Secret Santa gifts. The latest such calamity saw me panic buy an XL cock-ring (pictured) for a senior member of staff.

XL

Luckily I was talked out of giving it to her. If you're in need of a silicone ornament (did I mention it looks like a tyre?) by all means declare your interest. I'll pick a winner if I remember to.

I've also increased the number of facts I know this past year to five. Wow the crowds at your office party/xmas lunch/new years' celebrations with any of the following tit-bits, laid out in a never to be used again feature:

Tommy G's splattering/spattering/smattering/scattering of shit:
  • Middlesbrough sits inside the ceremonial county of North Yorkshire
  • The Lindisfarn Gospels weighs 8.7kg (19.3lb) or as much as an adult badger
  • Bernard Matthews, Turkey Tycoon, passed away on thanksgiving
  • The original recording of Dancing in the Moonlight is sometimes misattributed to Toploader
  • Lot of girls out there got Louise as a middle name

Swiftly bring things bang up to date by suggesting that "Looking back, it was probably a bit harsh to lay the blame at Oscar Pistorious' feet." Seriously though, if I've left it too late with these pearls of wisdom, you can always use them next year. They've got legs...

Speaking of which, you'll almost certainly be required to get up and dance at some point. See how 'The Twat Pack', a semi-retired dance combo consisting of Mr Fatty Goo and myself, handle such an occasion:


...and finally, no festive period would be complete with a run down of the charts. So, without further adieu, I present to you the 12 blog posts of Christmas (soon to be available in Audiobook format)...
  1. (Joint Employee Of The Month)...
  2. I Went To Brazil...
  3. La Decima (Or Anything Else Referencing Ten)...
  4. I've Been Dabbling In Politics...
  5. "Do Another Blog Post"...
  6. My (Albeit Brief) Career In Clips...
  7. Who The Fuck...
  8. 353 Days Until Christmas...
  9. The Difficult Second Blog Post...
  10. Leftovers...
  11. The Clocks Have Gone Forward...
  12. Dad's Got Kidney Stones...
For the math geeks amongst you, it goes without saying that I used the following formula to determine the order of the above posts:

V x (BC + ((L + FC + S) x (R + F + TC)))
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Location: Nottingham, Nottingham, UK

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